Reflections

Everyday as Ellie gets better and better there is less updates to report, but many praises to be given! Now that we are just on cruise control as the Dr calls it, lol, there are more silent moments where my brain wonders to the previous week. This is good and not so good. I am able to reflect on everything.

When we first came in and got the results it was like my world was crashing around me. Trying to process everything that was told to me and the very real fact that Ryan and I might loose our baby girl. She was truely fighting for her life! The Drs. weren't trying to be negative, but they did need to make sure we understood what could happen. We read the material they gave us and let me tell you it didn't look promising. That first Sunday I was just numb. I couldn't cry because if I did the flood gates would have opened and I fear would have been hard to close.

All I could do was focus and try to help Ryan line things up as best I could while at the hospital. I made phone calls to get prayers started, called Margie (Ryan's mom), my grandma and my mom. My mind was whirling with trying to figure out how to split myself between my six kids at home and my baby in the hospital, plus worrying about Ryan's work and Ryan. I can't even imagine how helpless he must have felt, because I felt helpless even though I was with Ellie, yet he was stuck at home just getting updates from me. His work was wonderful and told him to take the time off he needed.

Margie and Ryan's grandma lifted so much stress off of us figuring out care for the other kids, while my mom and grandma got us blanketed in prayer. Just knowing that complete strangers from all around were praying for my little fighter was such a gift.

Then to wake up on Monday morning to an email of our wonderful homeschool moms figuring out meal schedules! I hadn't asked for anything yet they all were so giving and generous of themselves. We are truely so blessed to have such a great family and our extended family (chef). When I read that email the tears did start to come, alas I stopped them quickly or I would have cried all day.

I remember hearing the words "your baby has meningitis" and all the facts associated with it and thinking this is just a dream. Any minute I am going to wake up laying next to Ryan and we are going to get the kids up to go to Mass, but that never happened.

Those first three days were the most scariest days of my life. Seeing nurses rush in and out of our room, constantly checking on different things so if there was a problem they could intervine soon. Seeing her choke with the Dr. right there and having to be bagged and then on oxygen, swollen to the point of not being able to open her eyes, the list goes on and on. Though I tried not to fear, because with God there is no fear, there was still a pang of it floating there.

Everything was so surreal and those first three days just blended together. Tuesday afternoon they took Ellie to have her pic line put in. She stopped breathing before she was even sedated. The Dr was worried he might have to intibate her, but her angel was there and that wasn't needed.

A friend called me on Wednesday and we talked for a while. She asked if I ever just lost it? I couldn't, I just couldn't loose it. I had too many people I felt I needed to be strong for. I could really feel the prayers working. I was getting emails from people I didn't even know telling me they were praying for Ellie. My online friends were praying too.

Margie's boss sent Ellie a cute stuffed cat and two super cute balloons (which Ellie loves to look at) and told her if she needed to take time off she could and with pay to boot. Margie said she had people offering to make her meals for when they were going to have the kids. Also, a co-worker of hers belongs to a motorcycle club that was getting ready to do a fundraiser and they had decided to give the money to help with expenses and bills from while Ellie was in the hospital! An online friend of mine from a web-board I am part of only lives about a half hour from Margie and Joe's offered to make a meal and take it to them while they have the kids.

I have never been so touched as I have been by everyone's prayers and love during this time of our struggles. To go from having a healthy child in the morning to being in the hospital that same night and not knowing what to expect or if she will even pull through, well that truely is a test of faith. While mine faultered some so many others made up for that. I know God was there holding Ellie and me. It's kind of like the footprints in the sand. Last week there is no doubt that there was only one set of prints, and I know they weren't mine.

So you see sometimes reflecting is good. You can look at how everyone pulled together so Ryan and I could focus on Ellie. You can be humbled by knowing it was out of everyones hands and by all the love from everyone.

Sometimes refecting isn't so good, because now I am having time with my feelings. Some of the feelings I should have had in the beginning are now coming. I can cry now when I look at her, not always a sad cry, but thankful tears too. Crying knowing what could have been, knowing how close it was, and crying to see her smile at me with her eyes so big, wondering if I was ever going to see that again. I want to hang on to her forever!